Lost
by jhuniemarieilarde
Summary: Post Mockingjay...Peeta and Effie came home to Twelve after his therapy from the Capitol. Haymitch wonders what really happened to Effie during her imprisonment and her time at the Capitol after he and Katniss left. Is he ready to discover all the things she lost during those times? Can he still fix her? #hayffie mind working here. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

_Where is she? I want to see her. Where is she?_

_You can't go in there. They're still treating her._

_Treating her? What happened? What did they do to her?_

_She lost a lot of blood and she's severely dehydrated when they got to her. The doctors are doing their best to revive her._

_Revive? You mean she stopped breathing? Effie! Effie! Effie!_

I jolted out of bed panting from the nightmare. No. It wasn't a nightmare. It happened. It's a memory of that time in Thirteen when they found Effie in her cell. I wasn't allowed to go in because she's in surgery. They told me she sustained a lot of injuries and at one point, she flat lined. They took almost ten minutes to revive her. It's been one month since Katniss and I left the Capitol and I wondered why I would dream of Effie now and why it's like that.

I went downstairs and picked up the phone to call her. We both gave each other some space after the war but we sure made a pact to not become a stranger to one another so calling should be okay. I waited as the phone keeps on ringing even though I hate waiting. She's an early bird. She should be up by now. Those times she woke up early so she can prepare the schedule for the day, that is her. Maybe her body clock changed. Maybe because she's not an escort anymore, she doesn't need to wake up early. Finally someone picked up.

"Trinket, sorry took me so long to call but I am calling now", I said but I got cut off.

"Haymitch", Plutarch said.

Hold on. What in the world of Panem?

"Plutarch? What are you doing at Effie's apartment?" I asked.

"We just got back. I picked her up from the clinic and brought her here", he answered.

This isn't good. Clinic is not good. A sentence that includes that word is not good.

"What was she doing in the clinic?" I asked.

The images of that dream kept flashing in my head. That was in the past. This is the present and I really hope she's okay.

"She checked herself in rehab after you and Katniss left the Capitol. She got out today. I fear she cannot talk to you at the moment because she's resting in her room", he answered.

Effie in rehab…she's not an addict. That woman never drinks and smokes. I don't see her taking anything so why would she check herself in a rehab? I got so many questions but I can sense Plutarch is in a hurry. He's a busy man and he got job to do so I dropped it.

I told Katniss about the news I got. Even she cannot believe that Effie would be in a rehab. She's the Capitol doll, always prim and proper.

"I get it now", she sighed.

"What?" I asked. Trying to get the girl to talk more than five words is hard.

"Prim always said Effie likes to hang a lot with her and Mom in the clinic back in Thirteen. I get it now", she answered. I still don't get it and she saw it. "Where else in Thirteen can she get supplies for her…habit?" she asked.

This got me to rethink all those moments of her during the rebellion. I always wondered how she can stay calm during the fighting, the politics, and the bombing. It was foolish of me to think she just learned to drop her Capitol façade.

"She's there to steal pills", I answered and the girl nodded.

"I will call Peeta and tell him to bring her here after his therapy's done", she suddenly said while looking over her garden.

"You want Effie here in Twelve?" I asked.

The question is not condescending but a surprise reaction. Katniss has always been annoyed by her escort and I cannot blame her. Effie can be too much most of the time but she always means well.

"That's right. She's been through much and she never even asked for it. She took the fall for all of us when she shouldn't have. A person who went through hell like her should be with people who went through the same thing, don't you think? We can't let her be alone. Peeta is coming home soon and I won't let her stay there by herself", she answered.

I smiled. I know she cares deep down. The girl is good at hiding it but I'm glad she's no longer trying.

"I think that would be wonderful", I replied.

After two weeks, Peeta came home to Twelve with Effie. Katniss and I are both nervous as hell. We don't know what to expect from both of them. Peeta tried to kill her back in Thirteen twice and Effie dropped her high pitched Capitol demeanor since she got rescued. They both had changed drastically because of the war and now they're here.

"Welcome home", I greeted.

Peeta smiled but Effie didn't. She looked incredibly pale and thin from the last time I saw her and she doesn't have an ounce of make up on her face right now. Her eyes are empty which Katniss once told me before. It's painful to see her like this. We helped them settle and like a routine we all used to, it naturally falls into place that Katniss and Peeta will share her house and Effie and I will share mine. People like us don't do well alone just like what Katniss said.

I wanted to ask Effie if she wants to have a room for herself or if she wants us to share just like the old times but I don't know how to ask her. She's been very quiet since she got here and I don't know how to start up a conversation. It's her department and not mine.

"Plutarch said you called my apartment", she said. It's the first time she spoke since she walked in here and her voice sounded…well, it sounded empty.

"I did. Yeah, but he answered. He said you were resting", I said.

Effie scoffed.

"Yeah, resting is what they called it. Let me clear something up. I didn't check myself in, they did. Just like before, I have no say in the matter so yeah, they made me rest…those fucking cave dwellers", she exclaimed and I just got shocked.

Effie never swears and now she did. What the hell happened?


	2. Chapter 2

Effie slept in my guestroom. Sleeping is overstatement because she didn't really sleep. I could hear her pacing outside until dawn. Effie always love sleeping. She said it's what keeps her young and energetic. It's her beauty sleep you see but that changed too. When she came down the kitchen for breakfast this morning, she's restless and agitated. Few hours of sleep or no hours of sleep will do that to you. I didn't say a word. She finished her coffee in a snap and it's black so she can keep herself awake. I suggested a few things to keep herself busy but she didn't do much the whole day. She stared at my geese, Katniss' garden, the entire Victors' Village and that was it. Peeta visited her in the afternoon and they talked for hours until Katniss called everyone for dinner.

At the table, Effie remained quiet. Peeta told stories about his time at the Capitol and his therapy and how much progress he made. Katniss seemed relieved and proud to see him opening up again. Effie, on the other hand, looked like she's closing in more and more each day. I feel like losing her into the oblivion or something. I cannot reach her. I cannot feel her. I can see Effie's body here but her soul is somewhere else.

"What about you, princess? What did you do in the Capitol after we left?" I asked and it snapped her out of her thoughts, whatever it may be she's thinking.

The two waited for her answer although I can see her and Peeta eyeing each other. Of course, the boy knows but he never told me anything.

"Nothing much. I stayed home a lot. I visited Peeta couple of times", she answered vaguely like she's tiptoeing on some broken glass on the floor.

"You could've called then if you're not that busy", I said without thinking and I received the consequence for that.

"You should've picked up the phone first. I bet you're not busy either", she snapped.

Katniss shot me a look which means I should stop right now so I did. We continued eating but the table is silent now. Effie barely touched her plate. It's worrying me. She's not sleeping and now she's not eating.

"Did Peeta tell you anything about Effie?" I asked Katniss while we do the dishes.

"Not much. I was trying to fish information but he's very protective of her. He doesn't want to spill anything she doesn't want us to know. He just said that Effie went through something horrible and that she needed time to get over it. He wouldn't tell me what exactly", she answered.

I believe that. I can see it in her. Whatever it was, it is eating her alive. It is frustrating how there's nothing I can do to help her. If I force her to talk, she will just leave. I know that's exactly what she will do.

Days passed and things started to get a little more settled. Effie is now helping with Katniss' garden and she's talking here and there about random things but it's never a real conversation. She still paces at night and eats small portions during meals. I started lending her books so that she can fill her time and fall asleep as well during daytime. It's my way of helping her get her lost hours of sleep and it worked.

One night, I got woken up by the sound of screaming. At first, I thought that was just me. I always have nightmares but when I opened my eyes and focused my head, the screaming continues. It wasn't me. It's Effie. So I quickly ran to her room and found her having a nightmare of her own. I grabbed her arms and yanked her from it. When she opened her eyes, she screamed even more and pushed me away from her.

"Don't come near me! I don't know anything! Please! Don't hurt us! Don't hurt us!" she yelled in fear.

I realized she's still in her head and she thinks I am here to hurt her. She doesn't know it's me.

"Eff, it's me. It's Haymitch", I said calmly so she will understand each word.

Effie stopped screaming and looked at me carefully until she realized it's me and not some Peacekeepers.

"Haymitch?" she asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, welcome back, princess", I answered.

I can see the tears building up so I pulled her into my arms and let her pour it all out. We stayed like that for couple of minutes before she pulled back from me and wiped her tears away.

"I am sorry to bother you. You must've been sleeping deeply and I have woken you up", she apologized.

"Stop talking to me, Eff, like I'm one of your Capitol associates. It's me. You know how to talk to me", I said.

I know it's harsh but she's been doing this for days now and it's making my ears hurt. This is not how we talk to each other. She knows that.

"I know you're not. I got none left anyway", she muttered.

The war made sure of that. Everything and everyone she knew are now gone. I was told her family did not survive the bombing at the Capitol and that her nephew died at the Capitol Square.

"You still have us you know. Katniss wanted you to be here so badly and you know how surprising that is considering how she was to you during the games. Peeta obviously cares about you so much and I do too. We're still here", I said.

She looked at me for a moment like she's searching for something else.

"…but you weren't there that day. You left", she said and that felt like a sharp knife piercing through my chest.

She was never vocal about her being left behind during the rebellion but like I said, she's changed. The filter slightly decreased in her.

"I know and I'm sorry", I apologized. It's long overdue but I hope it's not too late. I looked deep in her eyes and there is no rage in them. They're just cold like I'm looking in a stranger's eyes. "What happened to you, Effie?" I asked.


	3. Chapter 3

**75****TH**** HUNGER GAMES AND 3****RD**** QUARTER QUELL**

I hurried to Twelve as soon as I found out the announcement of the Quarter Quell. President Snow is sending them again in the arena. That man has truly no heart. They've been through so much. Katniss and Peeta just got out and still haven't recovered from the trauma. Haymitch…I can't even begin. His game almost destroyed him and I am still picking up the pieces of what's left. In a few days, I will be up on that stage again to reap them, my Victors.

I didn't bother knocking on the door. I know it's unlocked. The place is dark during nighttime so no one has seen me coming.

"Haymitch", I called.

It only took him a minute to come to the living room.

"Eff? What are you doing here?" he asked in surprise.

"I came as soon as I heard. No one has told me sooner, not even Cinna. I am so sorry", I answered and went to him for a hug.

I am really sorry about their fate. None of them deserved it. I always hated the games and my job but of course no one will even dare guess about that. I am good at it. I am good at putting my mask on and putting on a good show for everyone. Haymitch knows. He's the only one who knows.

"It's alright, princess. It's not your fault", he whispered.

I pulled back and I saw how tired his eyes are. He's sober. He's actually sober. I assumed he will be passed out by now because drinking is his coping mechanism but he is not drunk at all.

"I can't go up there, Haymitch. I don't think I can", I confessed.

"You know you have to", he said.

"I know that but how can I? I can't reap any of you! I won't do that to my team! I don't think I can stomach sending you all again to the arena", I exclaimed.

Just thinking about it is already making me sick.

"Sweetheart, we would rather let it be you rather than some random escort we don't know. You're part of the team and we want you to do it. It felt more comforting somehow", he explained.

I get what he meant but I still don't feel good about it. I have done it lots of times and those times, I reaped children I knew nothing about but this will be different. I know them. I know Katniss and Peeta and I know Haymitch most of all.

"You're good at this, princess. This is your department. You will go up there, recite your lines with a big smile on your face and it will be over quickly", he said.

"Put on a mask and put on a show", I muttered.

"That's right", he confirmed.

I was about to burst into tears when I felt his lips crashed to mine and things happened pretty quickly. Of course, it's not the first time we slept together. We've been doing this for years but we're good at hiding it from everyone. If Snow finds out, we'll both be punish for it.

As usual, I did what I have to do. I Reaped them. I almost passed out when I read Haymitch's name on the paper but Peeta volunteered. Katniss wasn't happy about it but she's cannot do anything. The boy truly loves her. We went on with the preparation for the game and Haymitch is mostly out planning their strategies and forming allies while I used my connections to get more Sponsors for the kids. It's illegal of course to get involved but I am only lining them up. Haymitch is still the one signing the forms.

The stress is catching up with me and it is showing. When the kids got in the arena, I made an appointment with the doctor just so I can get a prescription for the nausea and headache I've been experiencing for weeks. I never thought it will be something else.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"Ms. Trinket, you are pregnant", the doctor answered.

I handed him a huge amount of check to keep his mouth shut about the news. No one has to know, at least, not yet. I went back to the penthouse and watch the game. I need to tell Haymitch but he's busy. He's always out. He's working really hard to help Katniss and Peeta and I have to stay so I can keep watch. Perhaps, I can tell him after the game. Would he want this? We never discussed about having a child but I am hoping we can figure it out together.

Then the morning comes. I got up and Haymitch is not in the penthouse. Katniss and Peeta are still alive and with the other tributes executing a plan to get the others. I found a note on the table by the living room. _Went out to get Sponsors. Be careful – H_. It's early for meetings. Something is odd. That's when it happens. Katniss fired an arrow into the sky and the screen went blank.

"What just happened?" I muttered out loud.

I heard chaos coming from outside. It's like all hell breaks loose in a snap and I don't know what to do. Where is Haymitch? He should be back here by now. I need to know what just happened with Katniss and Peeta. Why the screen is black? Why is there screaming outside? What is going on?

All my questions quickly has been answered by the Peacekeepers who burst into the penthouse. They didn't stop for any word which is incredibly rude. They came straight to me and dragged me out of the penthouse.

"There has to be a mistake. I am Effie Trinket. I work as an escort for District Twelve", I said while they're dragging me away.

"Yes, you are. The Mentor Haymitch Abernathy, together with other rebels Plutarch Heavensbee, Katniss Everdeen, Peeta Mellark, Finnick Odair, Johanna Mason, and other tributes just declared an active rebellion on the government. You will be put in extensive interrogation and then we will determine if you're involved with this rebellion", one of them explained.

Rebellion? _Went out to get Sponsors. Be careful – H. 'Be careful'_ he never said that to me unless needed. He left and he just let me take the fall.


	4. Chapter 4

**PRESENT DAY**

_What happened to you, Effie?_

There are million things I want to tell him about what happened but I just don't have the energy anymore. Back in the day, I never shy away from telling him what's on my mind but this time is different. I learned how to keep things to myself and it worked perfectly well for me so why changed that? This is not permanent. I only came here because of the kids. I don't need to get myself attached to Haymitch again so I can get disappointed in the end. I know how this works. It never ends good for me.

"War happened. Let's leave it with that", I said in finality.

I didn't dare to go back to sleep after he left the room. I had enough of seeing their faces for one night. Victors' Village looked a lot like ghost town during the night. There is no light posted around the compound and the children and Haymitch are not fond of turning on the lights outside their houses. As much as I want to go outside to get some fresh air, I confined myself in my room so I can avoid the horrifying view outside. It reminds me of my cell, dark, empty, and death.

The next day, we got an unexpected visitor. Plutarch is sitting with Haymitch when I got downstairs. They both looked at me at the same time so I immediately alerted myself. They're not taking me away again. I can see the door and it's unlocked. It should be easy for me to run and maybe hide in the woods.

"Good morning, Ms. Trinket", Plutarch greeted.

"Making sure I play by you president's rule?" I asked.

He's used to my adopted snarky comments. Haymitch is not. I am guessing my behavior is new to him and quite shocking.

"You can say that but I am also here just to check on how you're doing", he answered.

I want to believe that but I can't bring myself to do so. He did look after me but he's still working for Paylor. I used to be an obedient citizen but I since lost faith with the government and anyone who sits on the throne.

"I'm splendid, my dear", I said with my escort smile on my face.

He's easy to fool sometimes. My escort talent always works with him but not with Haymitch. I saw him frowned but I ignored it. I am in no mood to explain to him everything and I am pretty sure Plutarch already told him everything so why bother?

"I brought you your medical records", Plutarch suddenly said and I felt myself stiffened.

My medical records? I thought I asked Jason from the Records Division to destroy it. How did it fall on Plutarch's lap?

"I would say that is a higher level of invasion of privacy", I commented trying not to show how affected I am.

Did he read it? I hope not because if he does, he will definitely tell Haymitch if he hasn't already.

"It will only be an invasion of privacy if I open it which I didn't. I wanted to personally give this to you because I don't want it to get lost in the mail and it will be unfortunate for you if President Paylor get ahold of this", he explained.

Like I said, he did look after me. Why? I will never know the answer to that. I took the envelope from his hand and it's sealed.

"Thank you", I said and he acknowledged it. "I will leave the two of you to catch up", I excused myself and returned upstairs.

The envelope is quite heavy. I've been in and out of the hospital during the war so it makes sense. I locked the door first before I proceeded to open it.

**EUPHEMIA TRINKET**

**CAPITOL CITIZEN**

**FINDINGS:** four broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, broken right ankle, six deep lacerations, concussion, severe dehydration, blood and weight loss. **_SEE PAGE TWO_**.

**PAGE TWO**

\- After running a scan, result shows markings on the patient's uterus. There is a slight bleeding inside which was quickly repaired to prevent further complication. Pregnancy was terminated at first term. Patient will no longer be able to conceive due to poor execution of procedure done to the patient during captivity.

There it is. I knew it will show. I don't know how many people knew about this but I am betting all those in Snow's umbrella who knew are now dead so that's less people. If Plutarch is really good at his media and information control business, he might pull it off and prevent those who work at the hospital and admin from spilling my medical information to Paylor.

Plutarch didn't stay the night in Twelve. He visited Katniss and Peeta and went back to Capitol afterwards. I hid the medical record in my room for now. I still need to think what I really want to do with it.

"Eff, can we talk?" Haymitch asked when we're left alone.

"We are talking", I muttered without thinking and it came out quite harsh.

"Plutarch told me what happened in the Capitol. He doesn't want to tell the truth over the phone so he came here personally. Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

…because you never called, you never wrote, you disappeared just like before…

"Would it make a difference?" I asked him back.

"Of course, it will! You know I will not let something like that to happen to you if I can help it. I would've done something", he answered.

For some reason, that made me laughed.

"Yeah…if you can help it. Haymitch, it's fine to drop it. I am not Katniss. I am not your Mockingjay. I already come to terms with the fact that I am not that important so it's good", I said.


	5. Chapter 5

They put her in the clinic. She didn't voluntarily check herself in. She's not an addict or anything but they did to make her more like 'us'. That's how Plutarch worded it not wanting me to be upset and lose it. What he truly meant was they want her to lose her Capitol manners and her old self so they put her there and forced her to be submissive. Plutarch took two week to get her out of there. He worked really hard to reason with Paylor that Effie is no threat and that she was never on Snow's side.

How did I fail to see that outcome? I thought after the war things will get better. Effie worked with us during the rebellion. She helped Katniss. I thought that was enough for them to leave her alone. I was wrong. Once again, I left and she took the fall. I can understand now why she hates me so much.

"You wouldn't mind me grabbing this, yeah? I'll pay you with a fine bottle once my order arrived maybe next week", her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

I watched her as she poured herself a drink. She never drinks. At least, not when I'm around. She's not a drinker.

"Isn't that too strong for you, princess?" I asked.

She scoffed.

"Please…I can handle whisky. It's rougher than what the Capitol got which is great. Takes the edge off", she answered.

She never talked like this. Where are her manners? Did Effie Trinket just forget all those things?

"Stop looking at me like that", she suddenly said.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Like I'm a fucking charity project", she answered. She never swear either. Who is this woman right in front of me? "I know Plutarch told you what your new government did and it might made you feel guilty but you need to suck it up. I did. I am still breathing so stop looking at me like that", she added.

For the first time, I am speechless. I don't know what to say. I always know what to say with her. What has happened?

"I just want you to talk to me, like really talk to me. Why won't you talk to me, Eff?" I asked.

The anger disappeared in her eyes.

"…because talking to you, really talking to you involves trusting you with what I feel and what I think and I don't think I can do that…not after everything. Believe me, I want to. I really do. It's hard. I got this heavy stone in my chest and I want to tell you about it because I need help with it but I can't because I don't trust you to share the weight with me. There is this fear at the back of my head telling me if I did, you will let go and let the stone crushed me like you did before and I don't think I can handle it the third time, Haymitch. I am also human believe or not. There is only so much I can handle before I break so please don't push me over", she answered.

Those words hurt but at least I got something. I got her to talk what she feels about me even though those were like knives flying straight to my chest.

"I am sorry. I won't push but I won't let you go either. I will make it up to you, Eff. I promise I will get that trust again and I will prove to you that I will not let go of that stone. I will carry it with you until it disappeared", I said.

For a moment there, I saw her eyes shine. She held back, of course, but it was there.

"I will take this bottle to Peeta's house. I will see you tomorrow", she said and left.

I didn't follow her. She needs space. I get it. I might need to check on her early tomorrow though because I know she will finish that bottle by herself and she's bound to have that hangover the next day.

After an hour, I realized that Peeta is already staying with Katniss and that his house has not been prepared for anyone who wants to sleep over which means the bed will have no blanket on it. I ran upstairs and went to her room. Effie has this blanket she carries everywhere. We managed to salvage it after the war. The penthouse survived the bombings and she left it there in her room. I saw it with her the night I woke her up from her nightmare so I know she brought it here.

I went in her room to get it because I know she won't be able to be comfortable at Peeta's without it but just as I about to leave, I saw the envelope Plutarch gave her this morning. He said it's her medical records. I know it's confidential and he's right about how stuff just get lost in the mail but the way he worded it made me curious. He said it will be unfortunate for Effie if it lands on Paylor's lap. Why? Why was she relieved to have them? I need to know. If she's not going to tell me, I need to get the answer myself so I grabbed the envelope and opened it.

My eyes ran through the medical words and her scans results until they go to the page of the findings. This medical report was after she got rescued from the Capitol. I can tell by her injuries listed on the paper and it's a lot. I saw her after the surgery back in Thirteen and she was in really bad shape. I was ready to storm to the Capitol that day to kill Snow myself if it wasn't for Plutarch who stopped me and talked some sense to my head. There are a lot people in this world deserving of that kind of torture and Effie isn't one of them. She's too kind, too gentle.

Then, my eyes landed on page two. I read it ten times over and the words didn't change. I read it again and again until it finally sinks in my head. She was pregnant. Effie was pregnant when she was imprisoned. It says here she was in her first term and she lost the baby. No. She didn't lost the baby. They took it from her. They found out she's pregnant and they must've figured it out that it was mine. I know it was mine. Effie never dated anyone or slept with anyone. I know that for sure. Snow knew that too and he had them taken it out from her. He did that to her and to our unborn child to get back at me and now according to this report, she can't have any more child because they messed her up. Now, I got my answer to what really happened to her. I put the paper down and allowed my tears to finally fall down.

"I am really sorry, Effie. I fucking messed up", I muttered though she's not there to hear it.


	6. Chapter 6

**INSIDE THE CAPITOL PRISON**

I woke up feeling this awful pain in my gut. I thought about screaming but that would only earn me a punch from one of the Peacekeepers so I bit my tongue and endured the pain silently. The cell is always dark. I cannot tell whether it's day or night. I don't even know how long I've been here. Hope is still within me that Haymitch will return to get me. I know he will. He will not leave me just like that. I still have news to share to him once this is all over. That's right. The baby. I put my hand on the tummy when I realized something's off. I felt disconnected, like something's out of place. I lifted my shirt or whatever's left of it and saw a long stitched line on my skin that is still fresh.

"No…" I muttered.

This is not happening. They've found out. Snow found out about it. He always hated Haymitch and he must've figured it out. I know I put a lot of display flirting with other men during parties but he knows. He always knows about me and Haymitch.

_Miss Trinket, before you leave there is one thing I want to ask you and I need you to answer me with full honesty. Are you sleeping with Haymitch Abernathy?_

_President Snow, with all due respect, I think what goes on in my bedroom is not included in job description to discuss with anyone._

_Smart and you did not lie although you did not particularly answered my question but still you gave me what I needed to know. Fear not because I am not here to stop you or interfere on doing whatever makes you happy, dear. In fact, I want to condone it. You've done a great job being an Escort to District Twelve even though it's a lost cause. You still managed to maintain it on the map and for that I must reward you. Freedom to love. That is my reward to you, Miss Trinket._

I should've known better. I failed to read between the lines. He only allowed me to be too close to Haymitch so he can have something over him. He killed his entire family and now he had taken something from him again and he doesn't even know it. That's right. I still have the upper hand. Haymitch doesn't know. This cannot hurt him if he doesn't know it even happened. I must not tell this to him or even the pregnancy when he comes to rescue me.

"I already told you. I don't know anything!" I heard a man yelled before I heard a groaned from being hit on the face.

I know that voice.

"Peeta?" I called.

"Effie? Is that you? Where are you?" he asked.

It's too dark but if he can come a little closer, I would see him.

"I am right here just follow my voice, dear", I answered and he did.

"Oh, my poor boy…" I muttered once I saw how bruised his face is.

They really did a number on him. His pretty face now covered with cuts and bruises. I made a mental note to do something about it once we're rescued. Capitol technology can erase those nasty scars.

"What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here, Eff. You're Capitol", he asked.

My thoughts exactly.

"Well, I am not sure either but I guess being an escort has its downside like this", I answered.

Someone scoffed and then a figure came into the light. It's Johanna Mason with Annie Cresta. They're here too.

"Bullshit…you're here because you became too close to your _team_. Snow knows that. He knows you know nothing about the rebellion but you're still here anyway because you're a bait", Johanna said.

The girl has no finesse in her delivery but that's her trait anyway and it worked so well for her.

"I wouldn't change anything if I can go back in time. I will still be there for my team even though I know that this will be the outcome", I muttered.

It shocked the young warrior. Maybe she doesn't often see any Capitol citizen getting attached to district people. We rarely crossed path before and when we did, she's very unpleasant.

"What happened to you? You're bleeding", Annie noticed.

I looked down and saw the blood stain on my shirt. It's the stitches. I should probably stopped moving too much.

"Oh, it's nothing", I lied.

"I don't think it's nothing, Effie. It looked serious. Come on, let me check on it. I know first aid although we're lacking supplies, I can still help", Peeta insisted.

I can never say no to this boy. He is very sweet. I lifted my shirt and they all gasped at the sight.

"Fuck Trinket, that looked like a fucking C-section but you're not pregnant", Johanna spat and it made me flinched not because of her choice of words but because she just made me realized I am no longer pregnant.

"I was but not anymore", I said.

Peeta's eyes glued on me. He is reading between the lines. I know he's very observant and he did ask me repeatedly about my relationship with Haymitch.

"That's why you're here then. Snow found out about you and Haymitch", he guessed and it's a pretty good guess.

Annie gasped at the realization of what just happened.

"Oh god…they killed your baby! They are monsters!" she exclaimed.

Johanna sat across from me staring at the cut on my stomach.

"Well, fuck…they just took it to another level", she muttered.

"They did but none of you are going to say a word of this to anyone if we made it out of here. Snow did this to hurt Haymitch but we're not going to let him win. He will not know about me being pregnant and losing it. Do you understand?" I said.


	7. Chapter 7

**PRESENT DAY**

"Effie? Effie? Wake up", Peeta's voice woken me up.

My eyes got greeted by the sunlight piercing through the open window. I noticed that I fell asleep on the floor in his living room. Now, I know why he has woken me up. He's worried to see me like this.

"Hey, Peeta. So sorry to just crash in here without asking for your permission. It's sort of last minute", I apologized as I sat myself up.

"It's fine. You know you can always use my house but why are you here? Did you have a fight with Haymitch?" he asked.

I should've known that would come up right away.

"It's not really a fight. We don't do that anymore, the bickering. He wants me to talk to him, to tell him what happened, what's going on with me and I told him I can't", I answered.

The boy sat with me on the floor.

"Why can't you talk to him? I know he's not the best listener in the whole Panem but he listens", he asked again.

I smiled a little and brushed his hair to the side like I always do when we're in the Capitol.

"…because I don't know how to trust him again, my dear. Trust is a fragile thing and once it shattered, it's so hard to rebuild and even when it's rebuilt, you can still see the cracks on it", I answered.

He took a deep sigh and held my hands.

"Do you remember when Snow messed up my mind and made me believe that Katniss is a bad person and basically a mutt?" he asked and I nodded. "I totally believed it, so much that I almost killed her. During those times, I only do not trust her but I also want to kill her. It's true that trust is very hard to rebuild and it can be exhausting but sometimes, it's worth a try. I didn't want to at first when they presented to me the length of my therapy. I want to give up from the start but then I remembered all those times, all those memories, the real ones of me and Katniss, of us…I gave it a try and now I am here, with Katniss and you and Haymitch. You don't have to trust him right away. Try a little. You will be surprised in the end on how far you've come", he said.

The boy is wise. I remembered those times when he was confined in the clinic back in Thirteen. I was allowed to visit him but not Katniss. He attacked her and strangled her. Now looking back at it, he has come so far.

"Try it is", I replied.

My head is splitting in half when I came back to Haymitch's house. I know I have hidden some aspirin somewhere and I desperately need it. I went straight to kitchen that I did not notice Haymitch was in the living room.

"You're back", he said to get my attention.

Of course, it got me startled but the headache is bothering me more than being startled.

"Yeah…I fell asleep at Peeta's. I was just going to get some aspirin", I explained.

I noticed he is clinging to a bottle of whisky but it's not yet opened. I can see that his eyes are sore as well. Was he crying? I felt a punch on my gut. I know I didn't give him what he wanted last night but I never meant for him to be hurt like this.

"Hangover, I get it. You finished the entire bottle", he muttered and then got up.

He walked towards me until he's close enough that I felt uncomfortable so I started stepping backwards until my back hit the wall.

"Haymitch…what are you doing?" I asked under my breath.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked me back.

I looked into his eyes and all I can see is pain.

"What are you talking about?" I asked again.

"You were pregnant…it's mine, wasn't it? It was ours", he answered.

It's like time stopped. I buried that fact ever since I got out of the hospital and I convinced Peeta, Annie, and Johanna to do the same. Now, it's like the secret dug itself out of the grave and found its way to Haymitch. I cannot breathe.

"How did you find out?" I asked and by asking that, I confirmed it for him.

Haymitch pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. It's my medical records.

"You went into my things", I muttered.

"Curiosity of a cat. Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? You should've told me. I have the right to know", he asked.

Why am I getting the tone from him like everything that has happened is my fault? It's not mine. Why does he sound like he's blaming me?

"I was going to but you weren't always around. You were busy. Well, I thought you were busy with the Sponsors during Quarter Quell but I know now you were busy plotting a rebellion. I thought I should just wait until the game is over but it didn't get to that point, did it?" I answered.

"You still could've told me", he almost whispered.

"Wouldn't change anything, Haymitch. Rebellion would still proceed and you would still leave without me. It wasn't your fault but it wasn't mine either", I said.

Regret and sadness filled his eyes pretty quick. I know this look. It was the same look he had during those drunken nights when he was in agony over his dead family.

"Snow took it out on you. He knew you're important to me so he took you and he found out about the baby and he killed it too", he said.

This is why I don't want him to know. I can't do this. I can't deal with this. I can't cause this to him. No. I have to go. So I pushed him away and started running upstairs.


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't handle it well. Shit. I am really the worst when it comes to emotional stuff but what can I do? She did not tell me. I know I was busy during that time but I came to the penthouse every day. Would that change anything? Yes. I will fight to bring her with me to Thirteen. I will not leave her even if I have to drag her there kicking and screaming.

"Effie!" I called as I followed her upstairs.

No hiding, no avoiding the conversation now. We are going to talk about this. I want to know what they did because I might still know some people responsible for it who are still alive and I would like to run my knife through them.

I found her in the bathroom clinging to the sink. I was about to start talking when I noticed how bad she's shaking. No. She's panting. She's breathing as if she's running out of air.

"Eff?" I called but she didn't turn around.

Then, I saw something that shocked me the most. She's holding my knife. She knows where I keep it and she took it. I only noticed it when her blood started dripping on the floor. She's holding it by the blade, clutching it hard that it sliced her palm but she's not planning on letting it go.

"Damn it, Effie. Let go of my knife!" I exclaimed but she won't let it go. "If you don't, you will cut off your own hand. Now, give me the damn knife", I insisted and forced her fingers to open so I can get it.

More blood spilled on the floor and she's still panting. I don't think she even feels it. I threw the knife away and grabbed the clean towel and wrapped it around her hand.

"What the hell, Eff? Are you trying to kill yourself?" I asked as put pressure on it to stop it from bleeding.

"I can't…I can't make it stop", she muttered while still doing her best to catch her breath. "Pain helps…I just want to make it stop. I'm sorry", she added.

Panic attack. Damn it. I should've guessed that earlier. Hurting herself helped slow it down a little.

"We are going to talk about this later after I clean your hand. Come on", I said.

After washing it, I took her to my room to properly treat it. I always kept first aid kit in my room since I sometimes cut myself accidentally when I woke up from nightmares. She's quiet all throughout of it.

"There done", I said and put everything back in the kit.

"I'm sorry, Haymitch. Sometimes, I just can't keep it together. I used to be able to do so but after they put me in that horrid place they called clinic, I can't do it anymore", she apologized.

The rebels did not make her better. They made her worse.

"It's fine. Almost cutting your hand off is not fine but I understand the feeling", I said.

We've all been through so much.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the pregnancy before. I waited too long. The Quarter Quell was stressful and we're focused on the children. I'm sorry. I know you have the right to know. I guess I was also scared of how you'll react but it doesn't matter now. It's done", she said.

It is done. I can agree with that.

"What happened in that cell, Eff?" I finally asked hoping she would tell me. What is the worst that can happen? She already had a panic attack.

"They interrogated me for days until they started hitting me. I got hit badly that they took me to the games' clinic. That's how they found out that I was pregnant. I can't remember it fully and I don't want to. I woke up in my cell and saw the stitches on my stomach and I just knew the baby's gone. Peeta, Johanna and Annie knew about it but I made them promise not to say anything because I don't want you to know", she answered.

"Why?" I asked again.

"…because I know how would you feel about it. I just saw it earlier. It will crush you because that's what Snow wanted. It's why he did it and I don't want to add more to your pain because you're already carrying too much of it already", she answered.

I remembered the nights when I was so drunk that I would vent out on her everything I feel. I didn't think before she would remember or take it to the heart but she did. She remembers. That's why she kept it secret from me because she doesn't want to see that again.

"I should've fought harder. They assured me you will be fine in the Capitol. They assured me they will not touch you because you're Capitol. I should've fought harder. I'm sorry I left you and you took the fall on your own. I'm sorry that I left you again thinking you'll be fine. What good am I doing you? I break everything I love", I exclaimed.

She stopped moving. She just looked at me with wide eyes and I started going over the things I just said. I love her. I hid that for so long. I made her feel that but I never said it. I am not ashamed of saying it.

"All broken things can be fixed, can be put together. Sometimes, it's worth a try", she muttered.

"…but you said you can't trust me anymore", I said.

"Yeah, and you said you will work on getting it back. Do you still mean that?" she asked.

For the first time, I saw something else in her eyes aside from sadness, pain, and emptiness. I see hope.

"Fuck yeah, I do", I answered.

"Language, Haymitch", she snapped.

That made me laughed. I always hated when she snapped me that during those times but now I want to hear it more and more. That's Effie.

"Forgive me, princess. I'll try to limit saying fuck", I teased and she just rolled her eyes with a smile.


	9. Chapter 9

I followed Peeta's advice and I gave Haymitch another chance. I also gave myself another chance to be open again, just a little bit. Of course, I set up a wall just so I can protect myself from getting hurt once again. He assured me too many times that he will never leave me again but I cannot be certain. He did say that before he left with Katniss for Twelve. I just need to be ready.

At night, I would see him silently beating himself up for what happened to me and our unborn child. I never thought he wanted to be a father and he did say before that he didn't want any children but I think if our unborn child was spared, he would be an awesome father. It pains me to realize that I can no longer give him that now. I cannot have anymore children. Not because of my age, no, I am still young but because the Capitol messed my body up pretty good. They probably did that on purpose to ensure I will never be a mother and Haymitch will never be a father. Snow always wins. I should've known that before. By not telling Haymitch about losing the baby, I thought I was protecting him from Snow but fate has its way of revealing itself and he found out on his own. I failed to protect him just as he failed to protect me. That makes us even.

After some time, I stopped flinching whenever he grew close to me on the couch while we watch some shows on the television. We started talking about random things but the old bickering wasn't there yet. It's him. He is afraid that if he started arguing with me, I will break like a fragile glass. I don't blame him. He did see me at my very worst. I have the scar on my palm to prove it. I never saw his knife again after that.

"You should stay here", he said one evening when I came by to bring him his tea in his bedroom.

We did share a bed back in the day when we were working in the games. The kids don't know about that but it's our way of being together.

"Are you sure? It's been a while since you got someone else on your bed. I don't want to startle you if I get nightmares", I asked.

I do get nightmares, every single night. Haymitch is a light sleeper and when he wakes up on a bad note, well, he's pretty deadly and I don't want to risk it.

"I'm sure. I missed you", he answered.

I missed him too. I missed being with him so I said yes. I moved to his room and we slept together. It's just a normal sleep. He respected my space and the time I need to adjust. Sometimes, he still acts like I might break at any moment which is frustrating sometimes. I am tougher than I look.

"So, how things are going with you and Haymitch?" Peeta asked one day when I accompanied him to the bakery.

"Well, I think. Better than the time we got back here, I would say that. We're good", I answered. He smiled. "What?" I asked because I know that smile.

"He is crazy over you, you know. It's so obvious. Katniss still can't believe it when she found out but it made sense to her soon enough. Haymitch is no longer drinking because of you and he started gardening so you can stare at beautiful flowers when you look outside. I think well is understating it", he answered.

That made me smile. Yeah, Haymitch planted flowers outside of the house for me and it's very thoughtful. He knows how much I love flowers. I also loves the fact that he stopped drinking although I still haven't kicked out the habit yet which must be frustrating for him. I picked it up after the war and it helped me sleep pretty fast. It helped with the nightmares too. It makes it fuzzy, I guess. I know I have to stop at some point to make it easy for him too.

"You're right. Things are great but I don't know. I can't help myself from waiting", I said.

"…for the other shoe to drop? Don't worry. Me too", he said.

We are the same in that regards. The Capitol did nasty things to him as well. I heard sometimes, he will have his episodes but Katniss and Haymitch won't let me see him like that. They are afraid that it might trigger me. Peeta doesn't want me to see him like that either so I did not push it.

Peeta went to grab some supplies at the grocery store for the meal he'll be cooking for dinner so I waited near the counter for him. District Twelve had come so far for it to have grocery store now. It is nice.

"Whoa, look who's here to grace us her presence! The Darling of the Capitol herself!" a man announces upon entering the store.

I felt my jaw tightened. No one has called me that since after the war. Three men came towards me, looked at me from head to toe.

"Where's your wig now, Miss Escort?" one of them taunted.

"Where's the fucking dresses?" another one added.

"It's tossed on Abernathy's bedroom floor, I believed", the other one concluded.

Where is Peeta? I want to get out of here and get away from them. This is the reason why I don't want to leave the village in the first place.

"I don't want any trouble. I'm sorry for everything I've done", I apologized while trying not to stutter and show them that I am not intimidated by them even though I am.

"Sorry? Sorry? You're fucking serious? You came here every fucking year and took two of our children to have them killed for you Capitol people's entertainment and you're sorry? Would your sorry be able to bring them back?" the man exclaimed to my face.

I was able to grab ahold of the counter before I lost my balance. Everything is getting blurry and my head is getting light.

"Leave her alone", is that Katniss? I think it's her voice but I can't see them now.

"Effie? Effie?" now it's Peeta calling.

"I'm fine, dear. I think I just need to lie down", I lied and then everything went blank.


	10. Chapter 10

"What the hell happened?" I asked when Katniss and Peeta brought an unconscious Effie home.

She looked really pale and she's being in and out of consciousness. Katniss quickly went to the kitchen to get a towel and water.

"Would someone tell me what the fuck happened to her?" I asked almost yelling.

"We went to the bakery to grab some bread and then I thought it would be nice to take her to the grocery store since it just opened. She loved the idea so we went. She grabbed a box of tea and said she'll wait for me at the counter so I went to get ingredients for dinner and then I heard someone yelling and when I got there I saw Katniss and those three guys. Effie was by the counter and she looked pale so I went to her and then she passed out", Peeta answered.

I still don't get it. Someone yelling? Those three guys yelling at Effie? My blood is beginning to boil.

"What did they say?" I asked.

Peeta pursed his lips. I know he heard it but he doesn't want to tell me. Katniss returned with the water and the towel and began putting it on Effie's forehead.

"Peeta, tell me", I commanded.

The boy sighed.

"They were taunting her at first about her wigs and her dresses and saying that her dresses were tossed on your bedroom floor. I heard her apologized to them but they got mad and started blaming her for the children she reaped from here", he finally said.

Katniss stopped moving. Obviously, she didn't hear them say that to her. She probably came over when she saw them all over her and acted out of instinct. Her face is turning red. The girl and I are very much the same. We are protective of the people we care about.

"She's doing very well. It's been months since she last had a panic attack", she muttered.

All of our minds went back to that time Effie had a panic attack in my bathroom and she almost lost her hand. The images of her pain and her blood plagued my brain and I don't want to see that again.

"Where are those bastards?" I asked.

"Oh no…you are not coming for them, Haymitch", Peeta said.

Katniss is quiet. I know she's thinking of the same but not saying it out loud because of Peeta.

"Why? You want them to keep doing this to her? She's finally opening herself up and started having the courage to go out of the village and they're jeopardizing her progress and you want to protect them?" I exclaimed.

"Believe me I wanted to bash their heads on the floor earlier but I stopped myself because of Effie. Do you think she would want you to do that to them?" he asked.

My eyes darted to Effie who is still unconscious on the couch. He's right. She wouldn't want me to do that. She will be mad if I hurt them.

"No, she wouldn't want that", I answered.

"You don't need to do anything, Haymitch. I will talk to them and to the other people of Twelve. They will listen to me. No one will touch Effie", Katniss said.

She's right. People will listen to her. She's the Mockingjay. I know she will not go crazy on them and started shooting them down. She's come so far now with self-control. I nodded in agreement to her idea.

I sent the two kids home so they can rest. I told them that I would update them about Effie. She remained unconscious for a good three hours. It got me worried but she opened her eyes before I even thought about calling the clinic for some help.

"Hey there, princess. You scared us again", I greeted.

"What happened?" she asked.

"You passed out at the grocery store. Katniss and Peeta brought you home", I answered.

Her eyes started wondering around her while she thinks of what she can remember before she passed out.

"Those guys…" she muttered once she remembered.

"They are not getting anywhere near you again. I promise", I assured her.

She closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

"They were right. I did reap those children, your children. I reaped them and ushered them to their deaths", she said.

"Hey, we were there together. I was there too", I said.

I was their Mentor and I failed to help them out because I was too drunk to get myself involved.

"You were there because you were ordered too. It wasn't your choice to begin with. You were reaped yourself. That was my job. It may not have been my choice to be an escort, I still did not stand my ground and I did as I was told. Those children died and I smiled and laughed at parties while they do. I can never bring them back. Perhaps that's why I am being punished", she explained.

I grabbed her hand and squeezed it tight to yank her out of self-blaming.

"None of us can bring them back. You said it yourself, it wasn't your choice to be an escort. You did your best. You took care of them and made them feel comfortable because it's the only thing you can do at the time. You worked so hard to get Sponsors for them when I wouldn't because you care. You always care, Eff. That's what sets you apart from everyone else in the Capitol. You are not a monster. You are not being punished. Don't ever put the blame on yourself", I said firmly.

She took a deep breath and composed herself.

"I always love your eyes whenever they got fire in them", she muttered.


End file.
